My Partner Doesn’t Want Sex, What Do I Do?

Posted by Dr. Mark Schwartz on Apr 19, 2015

Low sexual desire is one of the most common problems found in marriages and long-term relationships. More than one third of women who go to their gynecologist have been reported to have shared that they would prefer to have sex infrequently and that actually, they do not enjoy sex much. Today, men are also claiming that their desire to have sex with their wives can and has dwindled. The result of not wanting sex leaves the partner that does want sexual intimacy feeling undesired and unloved, or the individual may start to question their commitment or love for their spouse, as a result of the lack of intimacy. Finding a knowledgeable therapist to deal with the issues associated with a lack of desire is difficult since there are few books that are helpful on the subject.

There are many contributing factors to love and desire. The most common blocks to intimacy include marital conflict, fatigue, stress, intimacy disorders, and avoidant attachment from unresolved, overwhelming childhood events and/or parental misattunement, a lack of knowledge about how to please one’s partner or pressures to perform, overuse of pornography, fears of intimacy, discomfort with one’s body, and self-hate and depression. Assessing the multiple contributing factors and addressing each of them require a great deal of skill, experience, and compassion.

The good news is that most of these blocks, these contributing factors to sexual intimacy, are reversible. We have come to believe that the hardest step to reversing sexual troubles is having the couple present for treatment at all, followed by the ability to maintain their commitment to solving their blocks to intimacy — work that can go deep and get difficult at times.

The success rate for those who are committed to getting to the bottom of the issue, alongside highly skilled therapy, is typically very high.

Dr. Mark Schwartz has extensive background and experience working with issue of sexual desire in couples. Having spent years as the director of the Masters and Johnson Institute, working side-by-side with renown researchers Masters and Johnson, he has spent much of his career focused on the blocks that prevent intimacy in marriages and long-term relationships.

Contact Dr. Schwartz for a free consultation at 831 747 1727 or via email.

Our Years Spent Working with “The Real Masters of Sex,” Masters and Johnson, Long Before the Television Program

Posted by MTI on Apr 19, 2015

Working with Masters and Johnson

To tell you that the experiences gained from working with Masters and Johnsons for as many years as we did were invaluable, would be an understatement. Their professionalism, tenacity, and daring curiosity for the subject matters they ventured to study left a lasting mark on both Lori Galperin and myself. Their work and dedication has continued to inform our research, processes, and therapeutic style to this day.

The building where Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson conducted research into human sexuality in the 70s and 80s looked a lot like a physicians’ office. Privacy and professionalism reigned. Clients worked their way past a conscientious and well organized receptionist, through locked doors, intercoms, and buzzers as they were escorted to their therapy session. Even the name on the door would never belie what went on behind it: Reproductive Biology Research Foundation.

Dr. Masters often said that one must be “beyond reproach”—meaning, that those of us who worked with sexuality daily were at risk of seeming lascivious, so we combatted that by being hyper-professional and “squeaky clean.” Everyone wore a white lab coat and addressed each other by formal name (Dr. Schwartz or Mrs. Bowen) or — oddly — three initials (WHM and VEJ). Nobody inside those doors had sex with one another unless they were married. There was no flirting. The names of couples attending therapy were kept extremely private.

Occasionally the institute conducted research on fertility and the effectiveness of birth control, which required a supply of sperm samples. Paid donors, mostly medical students from Washington University, were warned to be mature and discrete or risk being banned from the program. They disappeared quietly into an otherwise sterile bathroom with a few issues of Playboy and a collection cup. (more…)

Why Couples Therapy?

Posted by Dr. Mark Schwartz on Nov 6, 2014

After the courtship period, couples often wonder, “What happened to the fun, excitement and passion we used to have together?”  As the novelty wears away, couples sometimes argue, pout, become enraged and act irrational. They may move into a stressful stage of over-working, having to cope with being a parent to their own children or to stepchildren, and the pressures of a complex society. They do not have the skills to deal with conflict optimally, and so do not resolve their differences effectively. Hurt and anger will interfere with, and sometimes destroy, intimacy.  Issues of control frequently emerge and cause conflict to escalate. Men often become withdrawn, unemotional and uncommunicative, while woman feel lonely, frustrated and angry.

The good news is that skilled therapy can reverse such patterns, even when there has been a dampening of affection. Problems in relationships are inevitable. Our approach is to help partners negotiate and compromise, using conflict to identify “hot spots” and provide clues to unresolved past issues. We help each partner to become healthier, which can translate to a more open, honest and often excitingly intimate relationship. (more…)